Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?

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The following questions can help you to determine whether your own relationship has characteristics of abuse. There is so much judgment surrounding domestic abuse -- so much victim blaming.

So insistent was he that eventually, I had to wonder -- could he be right? Frequently these components are not aligned with one another. It starts subtly -- imperceptibly. Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent.

11 Reasons Why People in Abusive Relationships Can't Just Leave

Such is the case right now with Amber Heard and the restraining order she filed against her husband, Johnny Depp, stating that he'd been emotionally and physically abusive toward her for much of their marriage. It's disheartening to see the comments flooding the internet, from people who assume they know everything about the situation. One of the most common sentiments I'm seeing makes it very clear how little is actually understood about domestic violence. Many people are stating that, since Amber Heard has a successful career for herself, she is financially independent and, therefore, had no reason not to leave a violent situation. They are using this as evidence that she is, in fact, lying about the whole thing -- as though financial insecurity is the only reason someone would stay in such a situation. I am not here to say whether or not I think Depp is innocent, or whether Heard is telling the truth. That kind of thing is all over the place, should you wish to find it. Instead, what I would like to do today is use this opportunity to discuss the many reasons someone in a domestic violence situation may not leave their abusive partner, hopefully shedding some light on an often deeply misunderstood topic. There is so much judgment surrounding domestic abuse -- so much victim blaming. I've come across more than one website that will warn men not to date women who stayed in abusive relationships in the past, on the grounds that, since she didn't leave right away, she is clearly a damaged person who makes poor choices and probably even enjoys being abused. I wish I was kidding about this. This version of domestic violence is simple and fits neatly into a box. The choice is clear -- the man is a terrible person and obviously, the woman should leave. If she stays, we believe, she is partly responsible for the physical and emotional damage inflicted upon her, because she could have prevented it by getting the hell out of dodge and never looking back. In a way, we suggest tentatively. I stayed with my abusive partner for nine years, and it wasn't because of financial reasons. While he controlled every aspect of our finances, I was lucky enough to have a family that I knew would take me in at a moment's notice, as well as help me financially, should I ever decide to leave. No, my reasons for staying didn't have anything to do with money. Please note that, as we go on, I will be referring to situations in which a woman is abused by her male partner. I have been writing about controversial topics long enough to know what to expect in the comments, so for the record, 1 I am fully aware that not all men are physically and emotionally abusive, and 2 I am also fully aware that men can be victims of abuse as well. I have chosen to write the article this way because I am writing from my own experience, as well as because the vast majority of intimate partner violence victims are women. News flash: people with abusive tendencies are often very, very good at creating a public image that differs tremendously with what happens behind closed doors. Why do women stay in emotionally abusive relationships fact, a calculating and manipulative mindset is extremely common in people who abuse their partners. Anyone can seem nice; abusers don't wear signs around their necks. Claiming that someone you know isn't capable of abuse because he seems so nice is absolutely not a sound method of reasoning, because you do not know the whole story. My abusive ex had charm and charisma in spades. We lived in a very small town, and he was constantly going out of his way to look like a nice guy. He was well-liked in the community -- he would do favors for other people, or lend money to someone who was short on rent. His abuse was calculated, controlled, and only allowed to flourish when there was no one else around. Some of our closest friends -- people who we saw literally every day -- had no idea how cruel he was to me, because they never witnessed it. Because, in public, he was a nice guy. During the nine-year duration of our relationship, there were so many instances in which I wanted to tell someone what was going on. But I was paralyzed by fear: fear that no one would believe me. Fear that they'd think I was only looking for attention. Fear that they'd call me a fool for sticking around. Fear that they'd label me a liar, just the way so many people have done to Amber Heard, without knowing anything about what actually transpired. If my ex had been a complete dick 100 percent of the time -- even 90 percent of the time -- leaving would have been easy. In reality, it was more like 70 percent. The rest of the time, he was actually fairly nice to me, and things were quite good. This is another behavioral pattern that is extremely common in abusive relationships. It was as though he could sense when I was about to throw in the towel, and he'd suddenly be back to his old, loving self, making why do women stay in emotionally abusive relationships very difficult for me to justify leaving him -- especially because I loved him and desperately wanted us to be able to function in a healthy relationship. And occasionally -- generally after a particularly cruel incident -- he would have a moment of clarity in which he would get down on his knees, sobbing, telling me he hated himself for what he'd done to me and begging me to forgive him. He would promise me that he'd get counseling, that he'd do whatever it took to get better, that things would be different. In doing so, he was giving me hope: maybe he'll change, and everything will get better. Faced with the notion of finally having a healthy relationship with him, I found I couldn't leave. I'd remember the good times we'd shared and feel optimistic that there would be more of them on the horizon. This is precisely how abusers wield control over their partners -- they dangle the carrot, the promise of change, just out of reach, so that the victim always feels hopeful that the change will actually occur and feels compelled to stick it out. For example, those moments of clarity I spoke of were the undoing of me. Despite everything he'd put me through, to see him collapse in tears like that -- to see him hurt so much -- nearly destroyed me. I am a classic empath, which means, among other things, that I often experience the emotions of other people as my own which is why I can't make it through a single damn Pixar movie without bursting into a full-on ugly cry. So even though I knew all too well the terrible things he'd done, in those moments, he seemed to me like a lost, broken boy -- and I would ache for him. I loved him so much that seeing his pain felt far worse than the pain he inflicted on me. And I couldn't walk away -- not when he was hurting. My ex gave me some pretty wicked bruises in our nine years together. But overwhelmingly, the most crippling form of abuse he bestowed upon me was emotional. Gaslighting is a term describing a form of mental abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perceptions or sanity -- and it is very, very dangerous, and so much more prevalent than most people realize. It starts subtly -- imperceptibly. The abuser will slowly begin to whittle away at her self-esteem, suggesting, perhaps, that she has emotional issues or is always overreacting. Small things, nothing you could in all fairness call abuse yet -- but the seeds have been planted. As the years go on, he will take these insecurities that he has deliberately given her and use them against her, manipulating her more and more until she is so mired in his mind games that she has no idea what to believe -- or even who she is. And if she ever so much as mentions the possibility of abuse, he will twist everything around until she believes she's crazy for even thinking such a thing, and that everything is actually her fault. This was certainly why do women stay in emotionally abusive relationships experience. My ex began telling me quite early on that I was a dishonest person. While it was true that I did keep some things from him in order to avoid big blowups for example, if he found out that I'd had a burger and fries for lunch, he would pinch my minimal belly fat and spend literally hours lecturing me about how disgusting I was, so it was a lot easier to just tell him I'd had a salad insteadI'd never really thought of myself as a pathological liar. It didn't seem to fit -- it didn't feel right. But that's what he insisted I was. Once, he became convinced I found a co-worker of mine attractive, and when I told him I didn't, he accused me of being dishonest. I was telling him the truth, but he wouldn't believe me. Convinced I was lying to him, he took a stack of my old journals -- nearly ten years' worth of writing -- tossed them in the fireplace, and burned them while I watched, all because I wouldn't confess to something I'd never even done in the first place. Then he started telling me other things. I was mentally ill, delusional. I belonged in a psychiatric hospital because I couldn't even see how fucked up I was. I was selfish and immature and I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't take accountability why do women stay in emotionally abusive relationships my own flaws, which was why I was always blaming him of abusing me, when actually it was the other way around. My own thoughts and feelings were an inaccurate representation of what was actually happening, so therefore I shouldn't trust them. So insistent was he that eventually, I had to wonder -- could he be right. Maybe all those times he claimed I'd been dishonest, I really was lying, and I was just so mentally ill that I'd lost the ability to separate truth from fiction. Maybe I really was a shitty, abusive person at my core. Maybe I couldn't take care of myself. It got so bad that I stopped trusting any of my thoughts, feelings or emotions in just about every situation. If someone almost swerved into me in traffic and I felt that little blaze of anger, for example, I'd go into a mental tailspin, analyzing the situation, wondering if I had a right to be angry or if I'd perhaps just imagined the whole thing. I would ask myself constantly. Does a crazy person know she's crazy. Doubting the validity of your own thoughts and experiences is exhausting and terrifying, and it leaves you very, very vulnerable. When you've spent years being told that your thoughts and feelings are inherently incorrect, you don't know what to feel -- and often, you will wind up hating yourself instead of the person who hurts you, because you assume you must have done something to deserve it. When you've been made to believe you can't trust yourself, leaving an abusive situation becomes impossible. Luckily for me, I was able to immediately move to a different city an hour away, which lessened my chances of encountering my ex. I didn't have to constantly keep my guard up for fear I'd run into him at the grocery store -- nor did I believe he would go so far as to be a danger to me. But many women aren't so lucky, and the thought of leaving makes them legitimately fear for their lives. The roots of abuse are deep and twisted, and it is impossible to understand the dynamic of a relationship that you yourself are not a part of. Next time you find yourself tempted to say something judgmental about someone who has remained in an abusive situation for a period of time -- please remember these words, from someone who knows, and just don't. Victim blaming is all too common in today's society -- my hope is that if we shed more light on a topic classically shrouded in darkness, we can put an end to the victim blaming and help keep people safer in their relationships.

There may be so-called makeup sex which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a typical instance of domestic abuse where one partner is abusive towards the other , abuse tends to occur periodically cyclically , rather than constantly all the time. Since almost everyone in intimate relationships does that at some time or other in the heat of an argument, emotionally abusive behavior must be distinguished from an emotionally abusive relationship, which is more than the sum of emotionally abusive behaviors. A broken family that we define to is not just divorced parents or estranged parents, but also included non-communicative family members that may all classify as a broken home. Women, mostly victims of domestic abuse tend to spend their entire lives living in hopelessness and despair, and we examine why.